She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
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Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
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And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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