I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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