Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
