I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
