If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
