It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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