I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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