I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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