WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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