My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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