i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
