She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
