the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
