"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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