life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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