I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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