Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
