At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
