I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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