Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
