if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
