If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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