I looked at my own cervix.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
