I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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