I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
