Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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