i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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