He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
you had me at cake vodka
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My ass is underappreciated
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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