she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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