tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
