nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You ruined the universe
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
