Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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