I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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