you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
