This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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