My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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