Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
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you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
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I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
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