I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
