"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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