This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Is Oprah even human
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
