I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
