It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
