You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
