woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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