He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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