I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
