They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
