I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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