My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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