Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
