the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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