I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
