Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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