when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
