I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
