I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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