you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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