i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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