saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
