Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
